CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Wait a minute…
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already