My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
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Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
👾👾👾
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…