Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.