came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Today’s Times
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!