Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.