@elizaleela Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
@Ygrene Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
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@elizaleela 
@WilliamAder I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
@huntigula Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
@Versacheetos This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
@bobvulfov One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
@HenpeckedHal What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
@Ccastr000 If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
@bourgeoisalien PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
@hisamwelch gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
@girlwithatail My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.