Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
You Might Also Like
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Theirye’re” problem solved
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir