@Ygrene

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

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@elizaleela

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

@WilliamAder

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

@huntigula

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

@Versacheetos

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

@bobvulfov

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

@HenpeckedHal

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

@Ccastr000

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

@bourgeoisalien

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

@hisamwelch

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

@girlwithatail

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.