@Godhatespants
@GinGander Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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@GinGander 
@brunopieroni Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
@TheHyyyype ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
@ItsDanSheehan 7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
@heatdeath wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
@Chhapiness *8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
@david8hughes [teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
@BlairLoudly [end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
@ScottHoad Had a spot of bother earlier.
@dafloydsta WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break