@Godhatespants

“Theirye’re” problem solved

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@GinGander

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@TheHyyyype

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

@ItsDanSheehan

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

@heatdeath

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

@Chhapiness

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

@david8hughes

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break