me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
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Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber