Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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Nice try Hitler
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Duolingo getting serious.