‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
absolute chaos
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?