Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.