Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
😂😂😂😂😂😂
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”