Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.