Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”