guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
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Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.