guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.