When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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Fat chances are my favorite chances
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols