Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
58.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.