Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
nice challenge
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there