Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

getting corrected

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

this article brought to you by lions

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.