no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
This January has 47 Mondays
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.