no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
You Might Also Like
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
beware of dog
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Happy Thanksgiving
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly