my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
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Time heals everything 🙂
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.