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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”