I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.