I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
the dark web is just a goth google.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Lmao 🤣
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
No, he would not have.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]