@SortaBad

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

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@OllyiConic

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

@antheanton

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

@NoticablyBacon

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

@Contwixt

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

@joshuanaude

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

@LoveNLunchmeat

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

@Reverend_Scott

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

@JediGigi

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

@Brampersandon_

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]