Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
You Might Also Like
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Two types of dogs.
had to make it
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.