Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
some things should go without saying
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I just tested negative for patience.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.