Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
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Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”