Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

Vodka burrito was a success

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.