At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
You Might Also Like
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT