[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
guys I’m going home
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh