I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I know
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
peep davidson
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: