peep davidson
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.