When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
we’re gonna need another temp
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.