@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

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@OllyiConic

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

@OfficeofSteve

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

@Michael1979

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

@Tmoney68

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

@blade_funner

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@Mom_Overboard

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

@AbbyHasIssues

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.