JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Who does Amazon think I am?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Something Saturday.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.