Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you