I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.