Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My beach vacation Google searches
