Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch