It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.