– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.