date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
#DesignFail
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.