You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies