the way this pissed me off… 😭
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The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”