Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.