If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.