Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Kids, do not try this at home!
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.