BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Simple enough.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.