Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”