I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency