[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Muppet Screams
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.