Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
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I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
LMAO.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Stonehinge
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???