Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
You Might Also Like
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.