I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.