[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
estão todos miauvindo?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.