Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”